Hey, what a funny question! ;]
C – Russia. Everything has to be done in a backwards way, but everything is possible, and there’s a lot of legacy.
C++ – USA. Powerful, but more and more complicated, unreadable, error-prone. Tends to dominate and influence everything.
Python – Netherlands. Modern, rich, easily approachable, attractive for various reasons, but not the top performer.
Haskell – Monaco. Not many people, but very rich, so they don’t have to consider lower classes’ problems.
Java – Sweden. Comfortable, but has its own king and currency.
Basic – Finland. Easy to use, but not very powerful.
Assembly – Lesotho, which is completely surrounded by South Africa. Rarely used nowadays to make a whole program, more often as an included part of a bigger code in higher level language.
PHP – Bangladesh. Poor, but numerous, and it’s found all over the web.
Pascal – Germany. Strict rules, good performance. And there are many people who just don’t like the language.
Bash – Switzerland. Not very big in itself, but pulls the strings of the others.
Update – based on comments:
Lisp – India. It was the origin of many philosophies, derivatives of which became more popular than the original.
Swift – Japan. Technically advanced, but isolated on its island and uses unreadable characters.
Ruby – Singapore. Advanced, but small.
To add some more fun – a few more languages:
Factor – Antarctica. Easily has representatives of all other countries, but really underpopulated and hard to get used to. Although it has some unique and spectacular features.
Lua – San Marino. Tiny and completely within another country, but fully functional, quite rich, and independent.
SQL – Saudi Arabia. You depend on it to fetch you the stuff that you need. Rich and potent, but you need to be smart to optimize your interaction with it. Also, different SQL implementations have their own peculiarities, like different arab countries around Saudi Arabia.
APL – Mesopotamia. Incomprehensible cuneiform script that was once great in its area, but gave way to its more modern heirs.
Forth – Maldives. Remote from all mainland and likely to disappear underwater due to climate change. Known for its backwards writing direction.